An auger, not a plunger

Fair warning. This blog is going to have many posts about bathroom stuff. And poop. So, if you aren't into that sort of thing, you should probably turn away now. I write about this stuff not just because it is funny, but because it can be a big (literally) issue around here.

People. Listen to me. We have 12 kids, six of them boys. Five of these boys are turning into big teenagers who eat non-stop. We have two bathrooms. It's really an unavoidable topic.

Now, let me start by saying, I do not wish for more bathrooms. That would just mean another area that is dirty and needs to be cleaned. We really do get by. But we have some unique family rules. They are this:

1. You may not lock the door when you are showering, unless you are a teen or adult girl. Or dad. He always locks. And even then, you should be prepared to unlock the door if mom or a sister needs to go. Always unlock for mom. If you have a weiner, you can always go outside, so I do not feel sorry for you.
2. If you have to pee, and someone else is also peeing, do not pee in the bathtub. It is actually not a very long urinal, as much as it may seem like one. (This scenario comes up, in case you were wondering, after watching a long movie or playing Madden for hours, and your mom yells, "Time for bed NOW", and then you all suddenly have to pee at the same time.)
3. If you ignored #2, then for christ's sake, turn on the shower for a second and rinse it down. Do not just leave it there, sitting stagnant in the drain, waiting for your sister to take a shower the next day. That's just so gross.
4. If you do need to go while someone is showering, it should never be #2 under any circumstance. Unless of course you really have to. Then by all means, make it quick and spray right after. Apologize to the showeree and get the heck out of there.
5. Boys should always go #2 downstairs. The window actually opens down there. And also mom doesn't go down there so I can pretend I have a somewhat decent bathroom at least part of the time.
6. If you clog it, claim it. Don't leave it there for some unsuspecting person (your older sisters, or worse, their friends spending the night) to find and deal with. I'm serious. Claim it. (This rule is seldom followed).
7. Clean up after yourself. In case of a big clog, and subsequent unclogging, clean up after yourself. I am totally serious here. This is why foaming bleach spray was invented. Clean up! This means the plunger too. Don't leave that thing all nasty to rot away in the bathroom. (This rule is also seldom followed). Thus my obsession with checking the plunger. Gross, I know. But hey, you adapt...
8. If the plunger doesn't work, get the auger. You heard me. GET. THE. AUGER. Your dad has showed you how to use it. You know how to use it. So just do it. I don't care if you "can't". You can. And you are going to right now. And then see #7 above. I am serious.

This is an auger. Don't ask me how to use it.

Oh, you don't have an auger at your house? Why not? Do you not have 12 kids, six of them GIANT boys? Well, that's really nice for you. But at our house, we have an auger. A good friend of ours, who is a plumber, turned us on to this incredible invention. It's sort of like snaking your toilet. I honestly don't know how to use it. And this is on purpose. I am not getting involved. This is a man's job, or a job for anyone who actually needs to use it. Those who have need have been properly trained. I don't want to know.